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Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Ron Paul's Path to Victory

(Editor's note: This post is the fourth in a six-part series between now and Saturday's South Carolina Primary. Each part will examine how each candidate might pull off a nomination.
For Rick Perry's, which can be found at my Construction Lit Mag column, click here.
For Jon Huntsman's (awkward), click here.
For Rick Santorum's, click here.)

On September 1, you return from your secret 30-week solo mission to collect Martian mineral specimens. You've always loved geology, and you learned to love Martianology just as much. Still, living in isolation for more than half a year has left you yearning for human connection. You fondly recall the pre-departure memories with your three neighbors. It's been a long six months.

But perhaps your more pressing concern was the abrupt termination in communication with Mission Control. Everything seemed fine heading into August 28 but for the last three days, you haven't heard anything.

When you're a few hours away from your planned re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere, you put down your Martian mineral samples and take out your space-laptop. Now in range of Earth satellites, you tap onto your WiFi Network, "MarsRocks," to see if you can find an explanation. What you find shakes you to your very core.

On the evening of August 27, the Republican National Convention began with earnest in the Tampa Bay Times Forum. The party was ready to nominate Mitt Romney, the runaway winner of the Republican Primary contests, and then forge ahead in the general election against President Obama. It seemed as if nothing could stop them. That is, except,

THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

What an event! Nearly every news outlet stopped reporting by August 30. The very last news reporting out there--the August 31 post of Presidential Politics for America--relayed the following timeline.

August 27, 6:00 PM--Commotion during opening ceremonies.
August 27, 6:09 PM--First video of zombie in delegate crowd.
August 27, 6:22 PM--Rick Santorum, playing dead, lies down with other men who are doing the same (18:22 military time--Leviticus joke!)
August 27, 6:31 PM--Military sends attack troops into the Tampa Bay Times Forum.
August 27, 6:48 PM--Attack troops are zombies.
August 27, 6:52 PM--Rick Perry ripped apart by three zombie delegates--one from Ohio, one from Georgia, and the third one could not be identified.
August 27, 7:02 PM--Rick Santorum goes from playing dead to being dead to being undead.
August 27, 7:11 PM--Ron Paul and a delegate from Texas barricade themselves in kitchen's walk-in fridge.August 28, midnight--Newt Gingrich turns from a pumpkin into a zombie.
August 28, 2:00 AM--Zombies break through surrounding military quarantine.
August 28, 2:13 AM--Mitt Romney, surrounded by nearing zombies, asks what views he should adopt to win their vote. He offers single-payer, universal brains supply.
August 28, 2:14 AM--Mitt Romney turns into a zombie.
August 28, 12:00 PM--Everyone at the Republican National Convention is presumed dead by remaining military and national media.
August 28, 1:00 PM--Paul and Texas delegate emerge from walk-in fridge. They see the carnage around them, though the arena has fallen silent and still. They walk outside.
August 28, 1:14 PM--Sole remaining CNN news crew finds Paul and Texas delegate.
August 28, 1:35 PM--Texas delegate votes for Ron Paul to be the Republican nominee.
August 28, 1:36 PM--Ron Paul becomes the Republican nominee for President.
August 28, 1:51 PM--Nominee Paul killed by zombies.
August 28, 2:07 PM--Zombie virus reaches White House lawn. President Obama begins a speech to try to get them to stop.
August 28, 2:09 PM--President Obama's teleprompter breaks.
August 28, 2:10 PM--President Obama becomes Zombie Obama.
August 28, 2:20 PM--Zombie Obama heads to the US Capitol.
August 28, 2:50 PM--Speaker Boehner killed by Zombie Obama.
August 29, midnight--Zombie virus in every major American city.
August 30, midnight--Zombie virus spreads throughout Americas, with the exception of the condo of PPFA author, IC, who continues to post this timeline.
August 31, midnight--Zombie virus consumes planet. (Last post of IC)

And that's how Ron Paul became the Republican nominee for President.

(Editor's note: This was the fourth in a six-part series on each candidate before the South Carolina Primary. See you back here for Part V.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Who'd ever think we'd be praying for zombies to arrive?

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