http://rpc.technorati.com/rpc/ping Add to Technorati Favorites Presidential Politics for America: Attacking Obama

Monday, March 10, 2008

Attacking Obama

(IC's editor's note: Today's blog was contributed by my friend, Saj Pothiawala. He writes for the entertaining NewsGroper, a website with the self-explanatory subtitle, "These Blogs are Not Real." The website features many authors who adopt the role of a celebrity and write first-person musings from the celebrity's perspective. Saj, whom I've known since high school and have always regarded a far more talented writer than me, earned the role of Barack Obama, and you can imagine that these days there is no more talked about name in America, with the possible exception of God.

I was going to give you some background on why he was contributing today, but he actually covered it in his introduction. Suffice it to say that it has been quite difficult for me to dig up enough dirt on Obama to write too negatively about him. I could nitpick with Tony Rezko, when Obama has been cleared of any wrongdoing in that regard, or the fact that if Obama were trailing in the delegate count, he probably would not discourage superdelegates to overturn the decision like his campaign is now. But the fact of the matter is, there is not a lot to dislike or criticize about Barack Obama. He is a clean slate. Maybe, in the end, it is the clean slate status that is both his biggest strength and his biggest weakness, which I will surely revisit down the road, especially if he garners the nomination.

Anyway, on to Saj's post. I'll be back tomorrow with a Mississippi Primary preview and delegate projections. - IC)


Ian has, for a while now, been grappling with a problem: the possibility of an Obama bias in his postings. Yesterday he emailed me and said, “I can't find enough dirt on Obama to write against him.” And I nodded my head. There’s not much out there. (For the record, I don’t believe Ian’s writing is biased in any way. Objectivity calls only for equal consideration, not for equal treatment.)

So Ian deferred to me to bash the good Senator as best I can. I accepted at first. But how can I turn a critical eye on the man I wrote this about just about a year ago on this blog? That’s far from within the standards of “blournalistic” integrity (I can do it too, Diablo Cody) Ian keeps on PPFA. I mean, I can’t get enough of Obama. If the mole-hill sized mountains we’re seeing made of the NAFTA-Canada issue and Obama’s links to Rezko are the only skeletons sticking their bony fingers out of Barack’s closet, then I’m over the moon. Hillary probably tours with a second charter jet just to carry all her baggage, not to mention her husband’s 180 from asset to albatross on the campaign trail. (BILL TANGENT: Now, I’m not judging Bill Clinton on the fact that he screwed around with an intern, but by all accounts he received oral sex from the young Ms. Lewinsky in his office. It can take A LOT of time to coax a woman into giving you oral sex at work, even for a man as facile with women as Bill- time he didn’t spend running the nation.)

So what to do? I’ve been commissioned with a task I feel I am incapable of completing. Lucky for me (and you) I was walking down the street the other day and I found a copy of the following internal memorandum from the Republican Party. Enjoy:

Date: March 8, 2008
To: All Users; Richard Nixon, The exhumed corpse of;
From: Snarlax, Supreme Overload and Immortal Soulcrusher of the Republican Party
Subject: Barack Obama


The purpose of this memorandum is to make the party aware of a growing threat in the form of Barack Obama. Most of you are asleep on this issue, but let’s nip this thing in the bud; Snarlax grows weary of him. Yesterday, Snarlax brainstormed a few things we can work on:

- Obama, in his books, has mentioned some youthful indiscretions involving explicit drug use. Now, even Snarlax had his share of fun back in his day, but there has to be something we can do here. Newt, take a look at this, but be careful- drugs are a sensitive issue considering the guy we have in office right now snorted his way through at least one of his terms as governor.
- Hillary’s been doing a lot of the legwork on the “Obama is a Muslim” front but let’s not drop the torch when she hands it off to us, okay? Keep running with this, maybe photoshop him in Gaza with a rocket launcher or something. Be creative. And while you’re at it, change “madrassa” to “Hitler-inspired jihadi death training” in the story about the school he attended in Indonesia.

- On a related note, Snarlax does not know if he can adequately stress the importance of Obama's name being only one letter removed from Osama’s. We need more slips of the tongue, people, more slips of the tongue. If anyone has any questions, Mitt can give them a hand.

- Again, related note: did anyone know that his middle name is “Hussein”? Snarlax literally just found out. If you knew that and didn’t tell Snarlax, shame on you. This is exactly the type of sloppiness we can ill afford.

- Forget about the “experience” stuff and leave his “Change” mantra be, we won’t get the kind of mileage out of it that we’d like. Plus, Snarlax sorta likes that will.i.am video.

- Last, but not least, he’s black. How are people forgetting this? Don’t let them.

This isn’t amateur hour, it’s the f****** Republican Party. Snarlax runs a tight ship so shape up, please.

Sincerely,

Snarlax, Supreme Overload and Immortal Soulcrusher of the Republican Party

6 comments:

IC said...

I really enjoyed this. Very funny.

to be announced said...

See Obama's Alsammarae "fairy tale".

Jonathan said...

Nice find, IC.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Nothing to bash Obama for? Please. He's the most liberal senator in the senate.

This was funny, but the assumption that that's how Republicans will win is absurd.

The Dude said...

Bring back 'Around the Blog'.

"Obama is the Quaker Rice Snack of American poltics". The problem is that the media thinks the politics of personal destruction are important to people.

-Client 9

cash advance

Cash Advance Loans