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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

An Inconvenient Truth: I am Running

(This week's column is brought to you by my buddy Darren, a close friend of mine for years. He takes an interesting perspective of Al Gore's possible second attempt at the White House. He writes from the perspective of Gore himself. In this letter to his opponents, Gore kindly warns them of the machine that could be the Al Gore campaign.)

Dear Barack, John, Hilary, Mitt, John, and Rudy,

Countless times when asked whether I am running for President in 2008, I say, “I am not planning on running” or “I have no intention to run”, but always add that little qualifier at the end, “but I haven’t ruled anything out.” Technically, I’m not running, but I haven’t said no either. I’m writing this letter to you, to address my campaign strategy and to let you know that I will be the first independent candidate elected president in the modern era.

First, I’ve been getting lots and lots of media attention since the release of my book and movie “An Inconvenient Truth”. Oh did I mention it’s been all free. To the candidates, I say keep plundering your war chests; I haven’t even opened mine yet. I just won an Oscar and there is the possibility that I may win the Nobel Peace Prize. How do you plan to make me look bad with this around my neck?

Second, I have a lot of money. A lot. And friends with more. A lot more. Fundraising isn’t an issue, especially with the aforementioned free media coverage. I have to say that for someone who isn’t running, I’ve done a fine job of keeping abreast in the public eye. I read a great piece recently, referencing Hilary’s pugilistic tendencies when confronted. I like to imagine this will be her reaction when I announce my candidacy. My strategy is to sit back and let the front running contenders ultimately cancel each other out. You are doing my dirty work for me.

Third, the public has already vetted me during the 2000 campaign, so the public would be much less shocked if any of those old punches were swung again. I’ve also gained a lot of pop culture capital via my movie. I’ve shed that monotonous white rice personality and have gained a considerable amount of charisma and charm since 2000. Hilary and Barack are minority candidates and I hate to say it like this but if the public were not ready to vote one of them in office, I’d be a safe fallback. I’ve brought the environment to the forefront, I was against the war from the beginning, and I have considerably more experience in Congress and the White House than any of you.

Now, I know you’re wondering how and when I’m going to enter the race. As I mentioned above, I’m going to run as an independent. I’m going to delay my announcement as long as I can, possibly until the summer of 2008. Why? I want the primary winners to fight each other, not me. I’m sure you’re also asking why I would run as an independent when I’m obviously a Democrat. Won’t I just siphon votes away from the Democratic candidate and hand the election to the Republican? No. I feel that many independent voters will be confident with my credentials and stances to vote for me. Barack/John (the younger) versus John (the elder), Mitt, or Newt would shore up their bases, but I’d steal the indie votes. Hilary and Rudy are very similar, so I’d take most of the Democratic base votes and ostensibly sway some independents.

This really is the best part. The good news for you is that I’m the first ever President who’s served 4 years in abstentia. That means my term limit is up in 2012. So, I mean, what’s four years to all of you young bucks. John- you’re spry, I’m sure you could do it at the ripe old age of 76. Barack, you’ll have four more years of experience in the Senate – more time for this and a few more of these. Mitt you may very well be married to two women, but hey, family values right? Nothing says you value family more than trying to start two at once. Rudy, you’ve had more wives than Derek Jeter’s jersey number. Good luck with that. John, you can shore up your editing skills. Hil – I hope you’re not too mad.

Sorry for the inconvenience.


The former and current next President of the United States

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