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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Audacity of Pessimism

(Editor's note: I know you're expecting my Democratic nomination rankings, but you'll have to wait one more week. I've been sitting on this column too long. This is brought to you by The Prez. He can be found over at Ryan's Revolution. He's a very bright writer with a stinging wit and he often offers a healthy dose of cynism mixed with a dash of realism. Enjoy it. [Additional note: The real reason I moved it up is because a line involving Peyton Manning might become obsolete in five days.])


I love Liberals. I consider myself a Progressive Liberal. Liberals fight for truth, justice, and a humane way. However, I am also a fan of the Boston Red Sox, Boston Bruins, and the US Men’s Soccer Team. Therefore the winter makes me angry, hostile, and pessimistic. It is not like this for everyone. Many ECSU Liberals for instance. These homespun ECSU’s Liberals are an interesting breed. Now, any of the Lebanonboys both old and new know that despite living amongst the ECSU Liberals since roughly 1986, I have rarely maintained through loquacious flamboyance of this idiosyncratic Ganja smoking, Birkenstock wearing, Wannabe Straight Edge crowd. When it came time, I decided to go to the University of Connecticut at Storrs. UConn…. a bloated, bureaucratic quagmire where academics, corruption, and pimpin’ all come together in an orgasm of bitterness and regret. This experience challenged me to develop an accepting position toward the good will of others, while also preparing for the inevitable stabbing in the back by said doers of good will. After 4 years, you stop worrying about those doing good and those devious “miki-fikies”. (Watch Do The Right Thing on AMC). I call this program of angst “Hostile Existentialism”. To paraphrase Denzel, “Albert Camus’ ain’t got nothing on me!” Most people just call it being an asshole.

Thus, it is with Jedi-like focus that I examine not the candidate that will lead the Democrats to a historic victory in 2008, but the Republican that will eventually turn the tide for the GOP and help snatch victory from defeat in the 2008 presidential election.

If God is actually an evangelical conservative, then Sam Brownback from Kansas may be the man. This quasi-sane member of Opus Dai will include in his platform a call to bridge the gap between the Bill of Rights and the Ten Commandments. Sounds fun. People are scared as hell…. that we are in fact all going to hell. This guy could swindle himself a spot on the ticket. If he does, this crazy God will rejoice and I will most certainly burn.

Willard “Mitt” Romney is one of the most unique politicians in American history. Nothing is more white bread then this guy. He makes Ned Flanders look like Eminem. He is super smart, an eagle scout, and became governor of Massachusetts despite being Republican and a Morman. You want sexy? A colleague of mine referred to him as a FILF. He is a walking Science Fiction character. If paired with a Southerner, say Jeb Bush or Mike Huckabee, Romney Nation (mostly just his huge family, my colleague, and a water drinking buddy of his) could party like missionaries in the Amazon come November 2008.

Musical Break, Boston Style…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKyLgRzOTsY

Newt Gingrich reminds conservatives of better times… when all they could think about was exposing the President’s Johnson. The long term reaction to the failure of the ’06 elections will cause conservatives to do what they do best, get reactionary. A McCain/Gingrich ticket would be a clash of personalities, but people do crazy things when supreme power in on the line.

Condoleezza Rice. I’ll make you read it again….Condoleezza Rice. Imagine if the Republican Party, the Party of Strom Thurmond, Richard Nixon, and Ronald Reagan decided to run a black woman for president? It would change everything. Down would be up, Blue would be Orange, Dane Cook would be funny, and Payton Manning would be a winner. It would be amazing and ultimately depressing for me.

Also, don’t sleep on Gene Amondson of the Prohibition Party, that guy is electric in front of a crowd.

A moderate McCain/Rudy G ticket would practically assure victory for the GOP. It would be a very unique ticket that supports Goldwater neo-conservatism, that would also get on its knees to pleasure the Baseheads.(Non Rap Fans-This is a word created by Chuck D of Public Enemy alluding to Zealots, Fanatics, or Religious/Crack Addicts). However, the GOP is too evil for this. They will seek to get every Progressive Liberals hopes up, by seeking out the less dynamic “Apocalyptic Duo”. For me this would be my famous McCain/Jeb Bush ticket prediction. It makes my skin crawl. But this could just as well be McCain/Hunter or, dare I say, J Bush/Conde Rice or Hunter/Hagel (that’s rights, I said it)

They will do it just to screw with our heads. The election will again be practically deadlocked, and Nevada’s transient population will decide it in favor of the GOP by the two votes won when I decided not to move there in July ‘06.

ECSU Liberals think it is all about taking total control of the Earth right now for the neo-conservatives who run the GOP. Its not. It takes an angst ridden UConn Liberal to really see that it is all about the gradual 60 or 70 year struggle that devours/destroys the entire society, and thus creates an atmosphere of blame for all where the real culprits of terror are elected and paid and paid…. because lets never forget the real lesson of 9/11, the real enemy is that guy Steve who wants to marry Garry. How’s that for loquacious flamboyance?


Strength and Honor Comrades….We are all going to need it!
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