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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The Bedfellows of ‘08

(Editor's Note: Insanely busy once again over here at PPFA. Concurrently teaching World War I and Ancient Rome is never a good idea. The days are packed. Anyway, my father comes to the rescue again. All of you seemed to enjoy his last contribution. This column does not disappoint. It might the funniest thing ever written on this site.)

Withering media blitzes financed by overstuffed campaign coffers are predicted to burn out voter interest well before the primaries. The ultimate candidates are not likely to be the ones we suppose today. This week, Presidential Politics probes some of the possible match-ups and the probable results.

Nader vs. Ventura
Ralph Nader promises universal health care, effective campaign reform, an end to the war in Iraq, and a ban on corporate welfare. Former wrestler-governor Jesse Ventura promises to eat Nader’s liver and suck up his intestines like a bowl of befouled pasta. Nader hits Ventura with a folding chair, carries Texas and Idaho but loses to the blue-state sympathy vote.

Jesus vs. McCain
In a major come-back, Jesus Christ wins the Democratic nomination, but Swiftboaters for Truth (SFT) claim that holes in His hands, feet, and abdomen are really just wounds from Vietnam and that they aren’t real anyway. Americans ask themselves whether they are ready for a president with a beard. As peace and goodwill miraculously spread across the Middle East, a consistent told-you-so message propels John McCain to victory.

Clinton vs. Powell
After polls reveal that America isn’t ready for a female president, Hillary Clinton unleashes a billion-dollar media carpet-bombing to convince the country that she is black. Colin Powell waves a series of satellite photos and a hypothetical Wonderbra to prove that he is a woman. Neither wins; America just isn’t ready.

Cheney vs. Cheney
In a bitterly contentious election, vice president Dick Cheney runs against little-known bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, left-wing Connecticut liberal Glenn Cheney, who, thanks to a misdirected electronic funds transfer, receives more than enough campaign funding from the Halliburton corporation. An election-day deadlock is broken by a strong turnout of Dyslexics for Truth (TFD), who untie to throw their votes to Cheney but get confused at the polls and vote for the other one. Cheney wins.

Clinton vs. Obama
Republicans, helpless before a year-long cannonade of television ads for a kinder, gentler Hillary, nominate Clinton to run against Barack Obama. In what is widely termed a “technological miracle,” states with electronic voting machines unanimously elect Karl Rove.

Obama vs. Osama
Confusion turns to panic in voting booths across the nation, resulting in the posthumous election of Saddam Hussein. Utterly befuddled, the Supreme Court decides, 5-4, that this is not a federal issue. A leaderless America drifts for four years. Hussein is re-elected by a landslide.

Kucinich vs. Nader
Americans, confident that they can’t lose this one, stay home on election day. George W. Bush wins by 115 million votes.

Bush vs. Gore
George W. Bush interprets the constitution as saying that an individual may be elected president only twice. The Supreme Court concurs, 5-4. Gore wins. Bush serves for the next four years. Americans begin to ask how the W can stand for something that starts with F.

Bush vs. Lieberman
The election between Jeb Bush and Joe Lieberman is postponed after voters in 3,452 districts experience nausea in the voting booth.

Pardon me for foreseeing only idiotic shenanigans in the upcoming campaigns and the worst outcome of any given scenario. That the current administration has avoided impeachment of the president and general indictment of his cabinet has left me rather skeptical of the ability of Americans to operate a democracy. I think something like this happened in ancient Rome, too. I’m not sure what to do about it. Voting just doesn’t seem to be a solution anymore. The pickins are slim, and the majority is likely to choose between somebody’s haircut and somebody else’s gaffe, with the Swiftboaters ultimately deciding who’s most qualified to lead America nowhere. Maybe we should just elect Alex Trebek our philosopher king and be done with it. He can tell us the answer. All we have to do is think of the right question.


The Culture King said...

hilarious. Is Alex Trebek still alive?

Connecticut Man 1 said...

"Maybe we should just elect Alex Trebek our philosopher king and be done with it."

No Candu... He is a Canuck and American voters would go nukular over that.

Stephen said...

Romney v. Smith
Boston's Big Dig is revealed to be Mitt Romney's search for the two golden tablets handed to Joseph Smith by the angel Moroni. Romney claims that he found the tablets in Back Bay, and Moroni thanked him greatly. Romney announces in a press conference at Faneuil Hall that God ordained him to be the next President. Joseph Smith descends in a cloud of glory, announcing he only ever wanted some polygamous ass and Romey is full of shit.

Kindel said...

Wow, that was great, even my parents laughed.

atm said...

My favorite was Jesus vs. McCain... until I read Cheney vs. Cheney. I am glad that Cheney emerged victorious.

Another fun read from GC.

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