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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

State of the Union Live Blog

9:00 - While awaiting the arrival of the President, the cameras are panning and tilting around the entire room. One of my favorite parts of the State of the Union is the amount of famous politicians in one place. I’m like Joan Rivers on the Red Carpet (let’s keep that between you and me, mkay?). I mean, look around. Convening in one room are both houses of Congress in full (minus one member from each party from each chamber)…the entire Supreme Court…the Joint Chiefs…the entire cabinet (minus one). It’s just an awesome amount of American power in one place.

9:08 - Out comes President Bush, with the traditional walk through the isle, handshakes all the way. I wonder if an overwhelmingly popular President ever had the idea of running out like an athlete or professional wrestler and slapping everyone's hand. Theme music could be some sort of hip hop Hail to the Chief. I'm thinking "Respek da Chief." Eisenhower should have done it in year five.

9:10 - Speaker Pelosi just shook the hands of President Bush and Vice-President Cheney. She then went straight to the Germ-X underneath her seat.

9:13 - Talking with my buddy Saj, whom I share a sports blog with. He just said that Pelosi is "the hottest old woman in America." You know what, he's right. (I hope Barbara Bush isn't reading.)

9:15 - President Bush led with "bipartisan cooperation" (Count: 2) and seguewayed rather unseamlessly into the economy. I can't help but notice how selective he is with the economic numbers. His argument about a surging economy has more holes in it than Alex Rodriguez's swing in a clutch spot.

9:19 - Probably my favorite part of States of the Unions are watching members of Congress trying to decide whether or not to stand up. This is always a much more difficult decision for members of the opposing party. Example: President Bush says we can balance his outrageous deficit without raising taxes. This is damned near impossible, but how do Dems not stand up when he mentions not raising taxes? Nice politicking by our President.

9:21 - Cue healthcare and standing Democrats. Then President Bush said private health care is the best way to meet their needs. Cue applauding Republicans.

9:23 - Obama and Hillary are getting almost as much face time as the President. Is NBC foreshadowing?

9:26 - Healthcare section complete and now he's into immigration. He is so building to the war on terror at the end. The potential energy collects by the minute. This is exciting. (Ted Kennedy is shrewdly finding a way to get some shuteye before the finale.)

9:28 - President Bush just said that we should assimilate cultures into our own. Assimilate? Was that really the word he wanted to use there? Who is he, Locutus of Borg?

9:29 - Theme established. He's mentioned immigration and environment, and he's tied both into terrorism.

9:31 - Quick mention of climate change and immediate topic change to the Supreme Court.

9:33 - September 11th mentioned. I had 9:27 in my office pool.

9:34 - In one minute, he alluded to 'September 11' and said the words 'Democracy,' 'war on terror,' and 'enemy' several times. He tries to instill pride and fear and all in one paragraph!

9:38 - The President just referenced the 19 men who came to kill us and started this war. Um, they weren't Iraqi or under Iraqi orders. Sooooo, why are we there again? Was the goal to create MORE terrorists and MORE hatred towards America. Well then, Mr. President - Mission Accomplished!

9:40 - Saj: "'Terrorists fear human freedom.' Wow. What does that mean?"

9:41 - Someone wake John McCain up. He forgot to take his afternoon nap today. Ladies and gentlemen, the next President of the United States!

9:46 - "Our American military leaders and I have weighed the options." He means the ones he hasn't fired/forced resignations upon for dissenting views.

9:49 - This just in: President Bush wants us to support our troops. Does he know dozens were killed this weekend?

9:50 - Back to bipartisanship talk. Oh, so NOW he wants to work together in the war on terror? All it took was a Democratic majority, eh?

9:51 - He mentioned a civilian reserve? Like minutemen? Come to think of it, Cheney does kind of look like John Adams...

9:53 - Yes! Darfur! Finally!

9:55 - Saj on President Bush mentioning Darfur then Aids: "I think he just channeled Bono."

9:56 - Dikembe Mutombo is in attendence? This is the best State of the Union ever!! You think he hit on Laura?

9:58 - I can't get over a Dikembe Mutombo sighting at the State of the Union. I have so many questions. Did he need permission from the Rockets? Is he comfortable in such a cramped area? Did he wag his finger at the Democrats? Is he more, less, or about as intelligible as the President? I need answers!

9:59 - Isn't "Subway Hero" patented by Jared from Subway?

10:01 - Serious moment. I've said it before and I've said it again. Hats off to everyone in the military. Seriously. These are amazing people.

10:02 - "The state of the Union is strong." Took him long enough. Even my freshmen know your thesis should be introduced near the beginning.

10:02 - Annnnnnnd scene.

Thanks for reading! Now we await the Democratic response. Good night, and I'll see you next week, when I break down the Democratic field for President.


PresidentWebb said...

You took the words right out of Brian Williams

IC said...

Wouldn't be the first time...

PresidentWebb said...

I agree with Saj. Thats what Congress has always needed, sex appeal

PresidentWebb said...

Damn Liberal Media, actually C-Span is providing the same feed to all the networks...

PresidentWebb said...

Wood chips, Switch grass, Human Waste?....Lets make every town like Lebanon.
Safe Clean Nuclear Power!!?
Why not just say you want to build a tunnel to the core of the Earth?

In related news, Al Gore is nominated for an Oscar.

Global Climate Change...what a character this guy is...

Saj said...

If I can hear about Iran, Chavez, and Syria tonight I will be eternally happy

Saj said...

This just in guys: according to the President terrorists' fear human freedom. Now we know just how to attack them! WITH HUMAN FREEDOM!! Sorta like the reactor vent shaft on the Death Star.

PresidentWebb said...

This guy instills confidence like Britney Spears promotes class

IC said...

You guys are money tonight.

PresidentWebb said...

Civilian Reserves = To make up for the follies of the Texas Air National Guard.

PresidentWebb said...

Mutumbo is 60. Best/most awkward ovation of the night.

Stephen C. Kurczy said...

Mutumbo! Laura Bush's head is at his elbow!

abu_shakuush said...

Laura is too short for Mutumbo :-)

IC said...

Everyone in that room is too short for Mutombo.

Saj said...

Laura Bush was definitely wondering about the size of Mutumbo's penis. You could see it in her "my husband plays with Legos and I haven't been laid in fifteen years" expression.

sptmck said...

You forgot about Hillary, sitting--literally behind Obama--talk about a back stab. And what the f*ck was up with that troll from Baby Einstein? Who cares if she's done great things for charity. So has Oprah.

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